Wicked Stepmothers

When I met Nick, I'd just gotten out of a five year relationship with a single father, a full-time single father, and the devestation of splitting up with his son was enough to make me want to take a break from blended relationships. However, Nick was and is perfect for me, and when I met Isabella, then five years old, I couldn't resist. Like a crack head loves his crack, I love single fathers and their children. Hence, another untraditional family was born.
The unflattering label of "stepmother" is a tricky hurdle when all you're trying to do is make life as normal as possible for your new kid. If you're a woman marrying a man with a little girl, it can be even more difficult. When I first began dating Nick, Isabella frankly told me that she would miss his former girlfriend, and that it was "no offense" to me, but that she just wished he was still dating her instead of me. Most women would take offense to this, and I might have, had I not had previous experience with a single dad. And my exprerience taught me the following:

You are not a replacement, a superhero, or a savior.

In my experiences, both mothers were, and still are, scarce in their children's lives, and the most important thing to understand is that they aren't interested in replacing their mothers. The best label for what you are is "parent," which is pretty much a glorified big sister. However, the sooner you embrace this label the easier your transition will be and the easier the role will be to fill. At first, spend time with them as if you are the most fun babysitter on earth. Make messes-- let them play with your makeup and make potions out of your spice cabinet. Take them to get extremely unhealthy food, make tents out of sheets, and talk their dads into letting them skip a bath every now and again. This will let the child know you're fun, you're into them as much as you're into dad, and that you want to hang out with them, too--you're not just over at their house to steal dad's attention away from them.
Then, work your way into the role of an older sibling. Clean up their scrapes, hug them when they cry, help them with their homework and teach them how to do new things. From that point on, you can evolve into a parental figure and start off very slowly with any sort of discipline. Really, the father should be the primary disciplinarian, and while you can, and should, handle more serious behavior issues, the small things should be left to dad. In this way, you aren't trying to be their mother. You are simply the other adult in the household that cares for and loves them.

It takes time for them to see a permenance in your relationship with their single father, and they, particularly girls, are fairly protective of the most important man in their lives. Establishing permenance takes patience, but once the child sees that you're not going anywhere, that you're not scared off, they will become more comfortable with you and more accepting of your relationship with their dads.

Never, ever bad mouth the mama.

You don't like anyone talking bad about your mother, no matter how crazy she may be. The same goes for your stepchild. They don't want to hear anything negative about their mothers, particularly if mom isn't around much and shows a lack of parenting skills. It can be embarassing for them when mom does let them down, so soften the blow by keeping your mouth shut or by reassuring them.
Isabella talks about her mom a lot, especially when she hasn't seen her for a while and is insecure about how much her mom loves her. And despite my negative feelings about the constant disappointment Isabella feels and bad decisions that her mom makes, I bite my tongue. It means something to Bella that I don't say anything negative, and sometimes I even say positive things about her mom. Everyone has some good in them, right? Try, very hard, to find it and exaggerate it into goodness.

You are making a difference.

Whether you feel it or not, you are enriching your stepchild's life because you love them and care for them. Particularly if you are making up for the shortcomings of their biological mothers. It will take time for this to be apparent, and even longer for your stepchild to notice or appreciate it. But it will happen. Be adult, be mature, realize that this is a kid--they love their biological parents and they don't want to find fault in them. Try to be aware of the pain that they may be feeling because coming from a split home is devastating for most children. When you want to say something out of impatience, jealousy, or just flat out annoyance, don't.
In the end, you will have a rewarding relationship that extends beyond the bounds of biological parents and children. My sister told me, at the beginning of my marriage to Nick, "Just think of what amazing friends you and Bella will be when she grows up."
I see it now, and she's right. And every time Bella and I laugh about a TV show, gossip about the boys at her school, or pig out on candy together, I remember how grateful I am to have the chance to make a friend like her.