Then I try and stay positive. Because, as everyone keeps telling me, there are a lot of women who have two miscarriages in a row and then have a perfectly healthy baby. And I tell myself, Maybe Emma needs a little more attention and I will get pregnant a little later. At least I can drink wine again. At least I can have two cups of coffee in the morning if I want to. I can get back to vigorous cardio activity and try to lose a little more weight.
But, at the end of the day, I go to sleep without anything in my uterus when less than a week ago I was lying in bed rubbing my belly, telling my baby to "please hang on this time." I prayed. I made sure I wasn't doing anything morally wrong; instead of rushing by him, I would give a couple of bucks to the homeless guy on the street. I did everything more carefully--I even walked more carefully. And as women, we feel ultimately responsible for the outcome of our pregnancies, and feel guilty if our bodies aren't creating the perfect pod or the perfect 8 lb. child. The bottom line is this: if I blame myself every time something like this goes on, I will make myself insane.
I guess this is what I mean when I say my thoughts are all over map.
So, here's a message to myself and to everyone else who is reading this (and maybe you have had a miscarriage before, too): Nature takes care of things. "Miscarriage is rarely anyone's fault, and sometimes pregnancy loss is even a predetermined outcome at the time of conception" (source uknown). After all, I will have another baby, when my body is ready to do it right. And this time, it just was not right. At least I have a daughter, and I should enjoy her, enjoy my husband and enjoy our life together. I need to enjoy wine and going out with my friends. I need to take the pressure off of myself! I have been stressing out so much over my pregnancy and I am so OBSESSED with having a friend for Emma that when something like this happens, my world falls apart.
Therese, relax. Just let things happen as they happen. When the time is right, you will get pregnant again and stay pregnant. If I stay positive and happy, my family will be positive and happy. Because what I know for sure is when mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy. And lucky for me, I am already a mama.
Therese, I think the last part said it all. As a strange little anecdote, I have a friend who had a late second trimester miscarriage at the end of last year. After the extremely painful loss, her husband and her decided that he would get a vasectomy. After he had it done, it took the pressure off of them to enjoy the one child that they had, a beautiful little girl. They were living and enjoying eachother's company more than ever. Then--she ended up pregnant! Obviously the vasectomy didn't work...and she's due any day with her second child! It just goes to show you that when God has a plan for you and your body is ready, all things are possible. -a
ReplyDeleteI knew it would be hard to post this, but I also knew that there are stories out there that I would really love to hear. This is one of them. Thank you Andra! You really are awesome.
ReplyDeleteTherese I'm really proud of you for writing this. Its a really honest and touching blog. I hope that it helps you and any other women who have had a loss or is in fear of one. You're ability to be positive in any situation is inspiring.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Heather
That was such a great post. I felt exactly the same way and no matter how far along you are, you still feel the loss of a child. You are a strong woman, and one day you will be a great mommy again! Your little Emma is so precious!! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteBrianne
It's Thomas your loving bro: I have a difficult time empathizing considering many people (including me) won't ever know the joy of having a biological son or daughter. I imagine it is very painful.. but it could be much worse, which I hope is somewhat consoling.
ReplyDeleteI dont expect you to empathize. I dont expect MOST people to empathize. This is basically for the people who have gone through this experience which cannot really be understood unless you have gone through it. Also, it was very therapeutic to write.
ReplyDeleteYou are very right. I guess this blog is geared towards those in the same situation.. it's just a major and sensitive issue for many, and with differing ramifications in each case. For some, it's hard to read that there is any issue when they have a beautiful child.
ReplyDeleteTHERESE-Declan wants to know if he'll be a good substitute brother for a little while.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, you've always approached everything with the same zeal and determination as you approach your childbearing ("childbearing" is a serious word, sorry). Anyway, the trouble with that is the fact that you always expect a lot from yourself, too. Definitely take a hiatus...at least for a bit. Just break out with your new skinny belt and sing a couple of Disney songs--have a glass of vino or two. It will lift your spirits and maybe heal your body, too. LOVE you.
-Meliss
I will always provide the wine!!
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