Let's Talk About Sex

When we were growing up, our parents did not talk about sex, especially not as a positive aspect of a relationship. It was a very "hush hush" topic and since we weren't supposed to do it until we got married (bingo--Catholic family upbringing), why even talk about it? Mom edited out 'sex' scenes (a.k.a. partial nudity shots and suggestive making out) from movies like "Teen Wolf" and "Grease" and didn't allow us to listen to "sexy" songs like "I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz II Men (laugh it up) or "Crash" by Dave Mathews. This is all fine, and I am sure I will try and attempt the same things, even though the kids at school will gladly fill Emma, Declan, and Isabella in on all of the grimy details. However, as a result of all this "sex and nakedness is a no-no" upbringing, Melissa and I are a little modest when it comes to talking about sex and regarding our bodies. We seriously didn't even change in front of each other (sisters, mind you) without hiding all of our private parts with a towel or shirt or something within reach, and we shared a room for 18 years. Talk about a 'hidden' talent we both have now.

Now that we are both married, and God has sanctified our bond and we've gotten the green light to "know" our husbands (biblically speaking, of course), and now that we aren't going to be judged for talking about it, we enjoy the topic of sex. Not only because it is like turning 21 and drinking legally at a restaurant in front of your parents, but because it is very important in a marriage to keep your sex life alive and exciting!

Have you ever gone through a dry spell where you and your partner have not had sex in a few days, weeks, even months because you all have been busy, tired, had visitors, forgot to shave, or just feel fat? Your relationship starts to lose something, real or conceived, and you feel that the two of you begin to drift apart. Whether a wry comment by your husband about his being neglected or a smug anecdote from a friend about how she and her hubby had the most "AMAZING night," you are pushed into action. And the moment you decide to have sex, in those very precious moments afterward, you feel close to your husband again. You have bonded and the loving words just flood out of your mouth (prompting an "Are you drunk?" comment from one of you). What an amazing feeling that is! Then you think, Why dont we do this more often? And why don't you? You need to!

Of course, everyone is different when it comes to their view on how much sex is enough. Is it twice a day, twice a week, twice a month, twice a year? Many of us may think that we don't do it enough (because others may say they do it too frequently...they are lying). This is where communication is the key. It's better to discuss with your partner so that you meet in the middle.

Problem two: We don't always feel like it. And I will speak for women, here, since I can't very accurately tell you what a man thinks (although that's not exactly a tough one). So, what makes a woman want to have sex? I know, for most of us, it is when we feel sexy--when our legs are shaved and we are feeling particularly beautiful, it is ON! So, why not do these things to kick it up a notch?

1. Always have lingerie on hand! I would say 3-4 different outfits. You can even share with your sister or maybe your best best best friend. (and no, its not gross, you only wear it for a few minutes anyway) Put on that lingerie when they least expect it!

2. Keep a candle or two by your bed along with matches or a lighter. This way you can set the mood at the drop of a hat.

3. Even though unexpected sex is so much fun, you can also plan for it. Some days I wake up and think 'tonight, we are going to do it!' So I make sure I shave all of my special places, put on deodorant (because some days I forget), put on perfume, and brush my teeth for an extra "happy birthday song," make sure we are stocked with wine, etc...

4. If you are not confident enough to put on lingerie or talk dirty, MAKE YOURSELF! The more you do it, the better you will get at it and the more confident you will feel. I definitely don't think of myself as a hot sex pot, or whatever. But, I know how to act like one. I watch movies. So the more you force yourself to be a Megan Fox, the more you will feel like one!

5.Exercise! Your sexual health is connected to your overall health. Eating right and exercising will give you the energy to keep up with your sex life. Also, it is very sexy when your guy sees you taking care of your body. I totally catch Jesse checking me out at the gym when I am running. ;)

*note from Melissa--not all of us are lucky enough to be at the gym with a spouse, so don't feel sad if that doesn't ring a bell. However, excercise will improve a woman's body confidence, hence the willingness to shed clothing in front of her man.

6. Talk about sex. The day after a hot night, text your partner and say something like 'I was just remembering yada yada about last night and it made me miss you!' or 'You are the hottest man I know and you are soooo good at what you do!' It may sound cheesy and silly but play the part. Dont you want your hubby to be thinking about you while he is at work? Don't you want his coworkers and buddies to wish they had a wife/girlfriend like you?

7. Give him a hug! Ian Kerner says that "Non-sexual physical intimacy builds a foundation for sexual desire. Studies show that a 20-second hug raises oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is also known as the 'cuddle hormone' and facilitates a sense of love and connection, especially in women. Most couples don't take time to hug at all, much less for 20 seconds. " So take a time out. And hug. Twenty seconds lost is really no time at all.

8. Turn off the TV! Focus on your partner after you put the kids to bed. Pour a glass of wine and cuddle. Talk. Do it. Too many hours of precious couple time are wasted on Facebook and watching TV.

9. Let him take some pictures of you! Maybe with his phone so he can check you out anytime of the day. Or maybe take a sexy picture of yourself and send it to him. (just make sure you dont send it to the wrong person)

10. Like Nike, "Just Do It!"

What has caused sex to drop to the bottom of our to do list? Recently, I have read it is due to a number of reasons: obesity, medications, people are too busy, people are too tired, people are stressed out because of the recession, etc. Recently, CNN reported that 40 million Americans are in sexless marriages. I am not trying to sound like Cosmopolitan magazine (I can barely read the cover of the magazine before my Catholic genes order me to blush) but I am just sharing something I have come to realize. You all may already know these things, but it is always nice to talk about sex anyway.